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[16 Feb 2011|08:45am]
Have a better relationship with music than anything flesh and blood
Living in a cold flat confined by solitude
Venture out to a different world
People and coworkers that are just strangers to me
Ghosts of friends I used to know
Conversations lacking and too few to notice
Days filled with hollow pleasantries
No sunshine in this daytime world

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[14 Feb 2011|09:38pm]
Let's paint your face red
I'm finished listening to you talk
Sound of grinding teeth drowns out your voice
Your lies and morals have sunk this ship too many times
The ocean's rising, and you're not floating
Just let me be and I'll let you live

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[31 May 2010|08:00pm]
ever wonder if you're insane, and just not recognize it or remember cause you've repressed it so much

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[24 Jan 2009|03:13am]
not a moment of rest
haven't even jumped off the saddle
the next ride is lined up
no worry of finding stranger
friends always seem more familiar
what is trust but a way to calculate
where you push the line
a bit too far, but who's taking score
not like there's a care
as long as you cross the finish first
the rest can be left in the ground
busy in your own self conscious
nothing penetrates you
at least not in this meaning of the word

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[24 Jan 2009|02:56am]
teetering between just and unjust
but you don't see the gray area
crossing boundaries left and right
what's there is yours
no one can tell you differently
friends don't mean a thing
never did in your sense of the word
the box is not there to see outside
but to confine yourself in what you see
as the truth and worry free
everyone is comatose to feeling
as it concerns your line of sight.
table turned
your binoculars show bright
what's wrong and absurd
never thought it would be like that
deaf to the voice on the left shoulder
could it really be this way
all known facts are false
facing memories of times lost
blind and dumb to the world
shown only in phases and shades
upside down and gasping for air
the bitter end has come to be
nothing left to say
but good

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[12 Jan 2009|06:16pm]
all roads lead nowhere. and i'm driving fast.

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shitty, but i'm too pissed and tired to filter or fix [04 Jan 2009|06:38am]
bury the soul but not too deep
it's not yours to really keep

patch this hole that has come to be
it is not what it was before
scrape together the broken friends
lovers drown with the treachery
tell the truth or parts you chose
maybe it's you or the lack thereof

parade around with your friendship desires
take the lines and push them further
truth comes with a passing rim
picked and prodded till there's nothing left

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done? [23 Dec 2008|06:44am]
yes, i think i am done...enough writing for one night i think, it was nice to do that, it's been a while since i just started writing about what has been in my mind, with no certain topic in mind. just listening to music and let things flow through, can't believe i wrote that much stuff..it's pretty calming, with a bit to drink and some good music to listen to...and by the way, i have been listening to Placebo-Meds album in the background, i've been recently addicted to the album. should listen to it, if you actually read this, ha... SHIT! it's almost 7 and i was wanting to go to bed by 3-4 to get on a better schedule, perhaps that will come for Christmas, ha...

the passerby
such a subtle creature
in your sights
then cross behind in the periphery
no thought of who it was
cause of action to walk
or consequence of passing
push past as a mere acquaintance
saying hello in just a shake
goodbye with a simple nod
without ever knowing the path
or recollection in memory
seems so evident in their mind
and so irrelevant in yours
want to try for something more
but come across so naive
unkind to someone that thought of you
so close to hold a place in their sights
in their minds
couldn't even place the face to show
a common courtesy, asshole ways

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[23 Dec 2008|06:30am]
happy with the happenings
even with the struggles that have come to be
seems worth what it can be
people that try to push apart
plans that could are so possible to be
pull together the pieces that seem to fit
drag and scrape for the everyday
it all seems a bit futile
but no one else knows the drive
what seems to be a meaningful life
and purpose to the lacking drawn behind

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blabbering.....i'm in the mood to write [23 Dec 2008|05:40am]
yes my mind wonders
it's not your fault
pressing issues come and go
give presidence for two moments
then kicked back on the rusty shelf
it's not like you ever really cared
this is not today but tomorrow
that everyone lives in
leave less time than is given
and it all gets washed away
into an abyss that no one knows that is there
no one cares to see the repercussions
no one wants to see the result of what is done
figure it was what is played out
and nothing can change that
no consequence, nothing happened
naive and jaded to everything that was
future always seems more hopeful
no steps taken towards

medication only drowns the lost
gives a semi-comatose reality
a false exaggerated hope
of what is mixed in the personal lacking
it is not the pill that makes you better
the only cure is the ability to see and accept.
of all the loss and heartache
pharmacist suggestions repress the obvious
build a bank off the unwillingness to push walls down
to take time to really see what has happened
see how things have changed, moved pieces
mixed up life and reshuffled a puzzle
that was never meant to be one dimensional
things come and things go
some never really leave in mind and soul
but stay and grow to become something better
than you would ever know
it is the growth that matters
nothing ever pulls you back,
either pushing to a subtle pace
or a slingshot into a space uncharted

swept up going downstream
shore never seems too safe
paralyzing cold water gives comfort
keeps me warm in the deadliest of ways

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[23 Dec 2008|04:52am]
leftovers of what could be
to the lonely and the lost
couldn't care less of which is rich
to the ones that couldn't care less
with whose possibilities are endless
given the easy pickings that no one dares
morals drawn on one side and crossed on the next
desperate and drawn to the easy letdown
choose your one and stay to the final
or take your number and draw multiple mistake
whose the loser in the game of loss
it's the choice and the boss
double 0s are common among the wretched
and double 0s for the divine
but who sleeps soundly at night
and who is naive to consciousness of morality
take this chance, on life, on love
take it to the bitter end of conceivability
or throw it away for another night of life
without meaning
without which you truely live for
for what is this accomplishing.
can only have one day after the next.
is tomorrow worth what you have for tonight
this chance, this life, this love
can only be taken by one
and no one else
it's enough to separate and distinguish
of who is able and who is left behind

i pull forward
into a vast land
i have yet to see
with a chance
and nothing else
no strings
no net
no one holding back
no handle bars
no safety of solid ground
flight or plight
it's a matter of choice
reservations cast aside
and flying blind
short or long
the trip must end
memories are the only thing that lives
for we are all dead without

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pieces of puzzle found [25 Nov 2008|04:02am]
well i'm feeling parts are coming together. guess i'm optimistic. found a girl that i'm interested in. haven't felt really interested in any particular girl in forever. kinda gives me encouragement to get other things in order. like getting a day job, even if it's part time at fedex, i want to get out of the funk of third shift. i'm getting eager to have a normal life with normal hours...was thinking of trying to start up something music wise, dj and kyle seem to be wanting to do something, and pretty sure we could talk jack into drumming. that would be nice, something to work at.

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[16 Nov 2008|07:40am]
better off really,
i mean really
did you think you were
better off yet
you don't think about,
but the truth is out
in front of your eyes
did you not see the
desertion in his eyes
i mean really
did you not the see
the desertion in his eyes
the blatancy in the whole thing
did you not see the lies
in his eyes
did you not see the truth in the lies
he fed you, all night long
couldn't be more obvious
to the naked eye
but you still
listen with uncommonly
unbiased mind
with an unbiased mind

i leave you to this
mindless lie
a mindless lieee

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[12 Nov 2008|11:18pm]
lost and found, then turned around, that's the story for today...i have too much crap going on right now, i can't wait till next week when things get back to normal...bah, i have the joy of getting my wisdom teeth pulled out of my jaw tomorrow morning, not exactly looking forward to that, and i still have to look over the farm till friday or saturday... i wanted a nice chill weekend, but now i'm going to have a painful medicated weekend...maybe the vicodin will make up for me not drinking saturday

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[11 Nov 2008|03:20pm]
lost direction, mixed signals, not so innocent bystanders, friendship scandels, surfacing truth, hidden agendas, love, loss, living, fading feelings, wide eyes, interference, bullhorn bullshit, oblivious, intoxication, barriers, thief, happiness, regret, timing, mixing bowl

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lost in the days [25 Oct 2008|06:36am]
taken by surprise
in the looking glass
that has always been there
like waking from a dream
that was never yours
pondering how the past has led
to the state of present being
that i have chosen
or should i say
has chosen me
the people, the places,
the circumstances that react and dissolve
the things you hold on to
with a gentle touch or a death grip
throughout the days
or throughout the years
finding the little treasures
in day to day life
that help open your eyes each day
to face another
the girl you met the day before
the new trivial happening that occupies time
or maybe it's the wonder that drives you
that something new will happen this day
changing your perception of reality
of being
or just to look at a single object
in a different light
slowing time to a crawl
just to watch a single occurrence
that you've seen thousands of times before
just to find a better understanding

done for the rant of the day, catch me tomorrow for perhaps another epiphany that fizzles out into an LJ post that will be lost in the code of internet, alas i should do this more often, as a hobbit, i do not interact with people on a level above drunken chatter on a saturday night, so a computer screen that i may spill rattled thoughts onto might uncompress this tattered mind

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[21 Nov 2007|08:21am]
ok, stage one of reinvention, clean up...i'm trying to eat healthier, even forcing myself to eat some veggies, actually going to work out tomorrow, and cutting back on drinking...stage two, being more open to things and people, i rely on my judgement of people right off the back too easily, i need to give people more of a chance, i miss diversity in people...stage three, meeting people, it's been a while since i've met anyone new really, with the exception of last weekend.....i am just not happy with who i've become or where i'm going, and i need a change, and so i must start at stage one, and make myself feel better physically and mentally, any help or motivation would be very appreciated

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[18 Nov 2007|08:06am]
try, try, fail...try, try, and fail again
nothing to lose, but fumbled from the start
could of been much, could've went for a touch
nothing more than just a nudge
and contemplative affections
more or less i should have just because
haven't felt it since many of months
i knew the consequences weren't much
just couldn't from all of the fuss

landslide of expectations
set inside a vault that sees no light
jaded and faltering at a mere thought
batter into a broken lock
flooding with such dismal luck

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[15 Nov 2007|07:04am]
[ mood | distant ]

well since i don't really talk to anyone much, except for on poker nights, and then it's only conversations you have to pass the time, i think i'm going to try to write in here, i'm not even sure if people still read this..but yea, today i felt like i was in a constant panic attack, probably from thinking of the past again, that usually stems it. i feel pretty disconnected from everything, everyone. i don't go out much, no one really calls. i live in my little cave, sometimes venture out (as in, the downstairs area) for food and drink. i pass my time in watching tv like a zombie and checking stuff on the internet for a full 5 minutes to realize i'm bored with it. dj did call me yesterday, we went to the mall for like an hour or two, then i went back into my seclusion. i sometimes have thoughts of trying to hang out with people, then realize i don't have the energy, and use the excuse to myself of that i have to go to work in a few hours. been thinking of eating more healthily, i don't have the money to really go all out with it, since most healthy food costs more money. and i would like to exercise more but nowhere to do it. i need to find a day job, one that i have to wake up for, then i think i would be more apt to do stuff since i'm already out and about. and now it's getting daylight out, and i better attempt to sleep, or else i'll screw up my sleep schedule once again, and that's not a pretty sight

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song you will have to listen to, one of my favorites for quite some time [09 Nov 2007|09:02am]
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then

but I guess i'll have to settle for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line

'cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
you are here then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence

but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
that's the only way it can be

so I stand in the sun
and I breathe with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
now you're laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost

but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared
you can't remember where she said she was going to

but you know that she is gone 'cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing
singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
left there to burn
left there to burn
in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
killed myself with changes trying to make things better
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be

now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream of their happiness

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